Mid-Year Top 5 - 2010

Article by Zach Saltz

Written – 8/1/10

Russia has been in the news quite a bit lately, but not just for its usual misgivings, like its spy ring in the United States, or suppressing Chechen rebels, or banning YouTube and various other websites of the bourgeoisie (including, after Russian officials read this blog, Almost Sideways). Besides training renegade hottie spies, real-life (Anna Chapman) and fictitious (Evelyn Salt), what other activities are our vodka-drinking, sable hat-wearing comrades doing in their spare time when they leave gulag for theater on Saturday night?

The answer is seeing movies.  According to a recent article from Deadline, American moviegoers’ contribution to worldwide motion picture box office profit is dwindling.  Ten years ago, the United States accounted for 40% of global film revenue; in 2009, that number decreased to 33%, and is expected to hit a measly 30% by 2014.  Meanwhile, Russia’s contribution to worldwide film grosses increased 2,625%.  People constantly seem to forget that Russians have a particular appetite for the transgressive capitalist cinematic agitprop of the west, even at its most ideology-laden.  Even Vladimir Putin has gone cinema-happy, as evidenced by his recent, vaguely Easy Rider-esque escapades.

So what kinds of movies are our Andrei-Kirilenko-worshipping brethren from the east watching?  Simply put, the same shit we’re watching: Sequels and remakes.  Here is a list of some American films that reached weekly #1 in Russia beginning in March 2010, in order of their release: Alice in Wonderland (remake), Clash of the Titans (remake), Iron Man 2 (sequel), Nightmare on Elm Street (remake), Toy Story 3 (sequel), Twilight (sequel/remake of the first two) The Last Airbender (remake of Death Wish).  All right, point made: Americans are out of ideas for original movies.  But here’s the wild thing – the Russians aren’t doing that much better.  Take a look at some of the few Russian titles to reach #1 at the national box office: Burnt by the Sun 2: I Told You Not to Get That Close (OK, I added the subtitle), We Are From The Future 2 (remake of Hot Tub Time Machine) and Love in the Big City 2 (remake of Irreversible).  Clearly, as the American economic downtown is quickly spiraling into the world economic collapse, the dearth of American cinematic creativity is turning into one big, fat brain fart.  Infants are coming up with more substantive cinematic material.

There is no point to all this.  Actually, I just figured out how to use the hyperlink key so I felt like writing a lot of useless crap that was borderline funny if you’re stupid, complete with funny pictures of Andrei Kirilenko and his clean-shaven manpits.  Without ado, here are my top five films of 2010 so far (out of the 20 movies I’ve seen –nope, better make it “out of the 19 movies not named Twilight I’m OK admitting I’ve actually seen”):

5. Chloe (Atom Egoyan): Yes, the final thirty minutes were preposterous and laughably bad . . . but so was all of Slumdog Millionaire and that shit won Best Pictures.  Stupid Indian movie.  Anyway, Julianne Moore gives her best performance since Far From Heaven and Amanda Seyfried finally does a nude scene.  What more could you want?  The first hour is so good, with Moore doing a vaguely Meryl Streep-inspired “My husband doesn’t love me anymore” routine and Seyfried looking hot enough to replace your deadly ice picks with sharp combs.  Whoops, I said too much.

(By the way: Doesn’t this movie have “Todd” written all over it?  I mean, crazed lesbians, over-the-top finale, Canadians, Julianne Moore and Amanda Seyfried – neither of whom have ever been in a film that Todd has given thumbs down as far as I can tell – and a tacky kind of smuttiness that makes it easily mistaken for a direct-to-DVD import.  If only the soundtrack featured Eddie Vedder.)

4. Shutter Island (Martin Scorsese): While it may be Scorsese Lite, it is still Scorsese, and in a year where it shares the title of “highest-grossing R-rated film” right next to Sex and the City 2, it’s nice to see an adult film that’s actually meant for intelligent people, not over-caffeinated white women with credit cards.  It’s a little too deathly and slow-moving at times, and sharply in need of some Rolling Stones or piano riffs from “Layla” – not to mention the surprise ending being completely implausible – but it’s eminently watchable, and features another great “my head is almost as messed up as my Boston accent” performance by Leo.

(Side note: Has there been a more childish array of R-rated movies than what we’ve seen so far in 2010?  The Wolfman, Hot Tub Time Machine, Kick Ass, Nightmare on Elm Street . . . those have PG-13 written all over them.  I’m not saying they should be PG-13 necessarily, I’m just saying that either studios are stupidly alienating their target audience demographic – 13 to 17 year olds – by slapping on requisite profanity and gore, or the MPAA’s rating system is completely broken and ignored by everyone.  Both are viable.)

3. Cyrus (Mark and Jay Duplass): Is it possible that Cyrus will do to mumblecore what the 2008 Miami Dolphins did to the wildcat offense?  Perhaps, except mumblecore is a pretty lame aesthetic movement and the wildcat has become about as predictable as a Cincinnati Bengal training camp holdout  Nonetheless, the Duplass’ latest film is a real treat, making audiences want to hug Jonah Hill (if only our arms could fit around him) and remember how Marisa Tomei could make any normal adolescent heterosexual male want to go all Murmur of the Heart on us.  The previews make it look like a Sundance Step Brothers, but it’s a lot deeper and more heartfelt.  It’s more like a Sundance Mr. Woodcock.

2. City Island (Raymond De Felitta): The funniest film of the year unquestionably, with a set-up that sounds lame and formulaic, but somehow produces giant laughs without divulging into Apatow-inspired displays of pop culture savvy or male genitalia.  Andy Garcia plays a New York corrections officer with thespian aspirations, and Julianna Margulies is his sharp-tongued wife.  Everyone in the family keeps their secrets from one another, including a daughter who’s a stripper and a son who’s into fat chicks.  Nothing revolutionary here, just good-hearted and genuinely funny stuff, recalling why the simpler screwball comedies of error from yesteryear are funnier than the putrid comedies of today.

1. Inception (Christopher Nolan): The default number one and everyone’s number one so far this year, which is a little disappointing (like most Republican politicians, I hate when my opinions reflect the mainstream majority).  But everyone loves it (except Todd) for the same reasons: It’s a terrifically engaging, compelling mind-fuck whose story isn’t actually too complicated if people would just put away their iPhones, go to the bathroom ahead of time, and make out with their dates during Shrek Forever After instead.  It’s a little like The Matrix meets Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which means that fanboys adore it, but it has an additional sci-fi/intellectual element that hints at the deadly prowess of advanced technologies, as well as the extremes of corporate monopolization.  Nolan beautifully balances the “artistic” elements (like Paris folding up like a book and a zero-gravity chase down a hotel hallway) with fairly deep philosophical implications, with a final shot that is as compelling as infuriating.  But do you know the clincher?  It’s one of those rare summer movies that makes you excited about seeing it again . . . and again.

Worst movie of the year: Twilight: Eclipse.  Like Inception, my apologies to anyone who thought I would deviate from the consensus here.  My additional apologies to anyone who thought I would actually put down $10 to see The Last Airbender just so I could slam it in an unfunny, ramble-laden review.  If there is anything that the third installment of this series proves, it is that you can tell before the first reel begins what kind of movie you’re about to see based on three factors:

Other people in the theater: The fat girls who had seen it four times already and could recite the lines (and scenes where Jacob took off his shirt); Odd Schoolmarm lady in a dress from the 1940s, Five year old girl walking up and down the aisle because the movie was boring and not animated; Creepy fat guy in shorts alone with a massive bucket of popcorn (two of ‘em, actually); and Pussy-whipped guy amazed that there is still an hour left in this thing, and his glued-to-the-screen girlfriend.  To avoid getting beat up, I’m pleading no contest to whether I was Pussy-whipped guy or not.

The previews: Eat, Pray, Love, Charlie St. Cloud, Harry Potter 13, and Paranormal Activity 2.  All Academy Award juggernauts right there.

Box office indicators: On June 29^th, the night prior to Eclipse’s opening, Summit Entertainment released combo billing of the first Twilight and New Moon.  It grossed $2.4 million . . . in one night.  To put that in perspective, the other, more superior 2010 film with Kirsten Stewart and Dakota Fanning, The Runaways, has so far grossed $3.5 million . . . since its release in March.

Everything else I could say about the movie I would just be repeated from the countless other cynics who think their jabs at Eclipse are funny or original.  Yes, Taylor Lautner will brave the freezing cold of a snowy mountaintop just to take off his shirt; yes, maybe the reason Edward doesn’t want to do it with Bella may have to do with the fact that he’s actually 97 and can’t get it up anymore; and yes, Jasper inexplicably develops a southern accent midway through.  Maybe he has a bad case of the Renee Zellwegers.